


if we try, we can begin again

by adamantine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, Season 8 compliant, Shiro/That Dude He Married, this is my anniversary fic for 'The Black Paladins'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 15:58:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19135348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamantine/pseuds/adamantine
Summary: The clone’s memories start returning on the journey back to Earth. They come to him in dreams first, the details fuzzy when he wakes up. Fragments of indistinct battles, slices of life on the Castleship, fleeting moments spent exploring strange planets.OR: An angsty love letter to “The Black Paladins” in the wake of season 8.





	if we try, we can begin again

**Author's Note:**

> Happy (Almost) Anniversary of season six! It’s next week, on June 15th but I’m celebrating early I guess. This isn’t quite a fix-it fic since I don’t touch on Allura (but if the universe isn’t cruel, it does). It’s more of a what if. What if Shiro merging with the clone isn’t a perfect transition? What if it takes time to remember and process two sets of memories?

The clone’s memories start returning on the journey back to Earth. They come to him in dreams first, the details fuzzy when he wakes up. Fragments of indistinct battles, slices of life on the Castleship, fleeting moments spent exploring strange planets. It isn’t until a memory returns in the daytime (or what passes for it as they wander through space) that Shiro understands what’s happening.

Keith is in his Blade of Marmora uniform, but there’s no scar on his face yet. Shiro hears himself saying goodbye, but the sound is distorted, like a recording playing underwater. Keith smiles; it doesn’t reach his eyes. They’re on the Castleship, but the details are hazy. The others are with them but they’re blobs of light, not fully formed. Keith speaks but it comes out as white noise. The memory is a corrupted file, not recovered correctly.

Keith walks away, swallowed by a dark hallway.

Shiro decides to move into the Green Lion to keep Pidge company. There’s a flash of something on Keith’s face when he tells him he’s leaving Black, but it’s gone before Shiro can hold onto it.

Keith helps him move, using the space wolf to transfer Shiro’s meager possessions. There are things Shiro doesn’t recognize. He wants to chuck them out into space, but that would be childish and petty. Besides, the clone didn’t accumulate much stuff. A few trinkets from adventures and a handful of practical goods that would be stupid of Shiro to waste. Really, what upsets Shiro more than the host of objects that are his but not his, is the knowledge that the clone touched everything he owns, believing Shiro’s life belonged to him. There’s a picture of Shiro before the Kerberos mission, posing with Keith in front of the rocket, his right arm around Keith’s waist, pulling him closer. Keith’s cheeks are red from the cold. Desert mornings are rough, especially in the winter.

As Shiro holds the photo he notices a crease that wasn’t there before. That bothers him. Those memories, that moment, this picture, didn’t belong to the clone. Shiro found the photo in Keith’s shack the morning after crashing to Earth. He snatched it up and hid it in his borrowed jacket. Keith would have given it to him if he had asked, but he didn’t. He took it selfishly, and without permission.

 

The rest of the clone’s memories return slowly, without order or reason. The thoughts and feelings behind them are missing. The clone snaps at Keith and Shiro doesn’t know why, not really. The memory doesn’t fully make sense. Another memory shows he yells at Lance too, and this brings him embarrassment. It’s horrifying watching the faults he had under control rearing their ugly head from the clone. Impatience, a bad temper, a tendency to blame others instead of himself—they were flaws he overcame, conquered, and didn’t let ruin his life, but the clone is a default factory setting, not yet programmed to handle life’s difficulties.

Keith strikes through Sendak’s armor with strength and momentum, piercing his guts and ending his life. The Black Lion falls to the ground with strength and momentum, knocking Keith out and almost ending his life.

_As many times as it takes._

No.

Keith’s face is young and unscarred. He helps the clone dress, helps the clone cut his hair. He keeps the lights dim, his voice quiet. His affection is soft, his kindness steady.

_No._

As Keith bleeds out, Shiro crumbles.

“Thank you,” Shiro said. And he meant it. But the memory colors it, makes Shiro feel like he’s a noose around Keith’s neck. The wrong angle, the wrong timing, and Keith would be dead.

The distance is easy to create. Keith has no say in it. He’s recovering, unconscious for weeks. When he wakes up it’s too late.

Shiro works. He’s everywhere and nowhere. The memories continue their slow drip. Pidge reunites with Matt and Sam. Allura glows with power and knowledge. Hunk uses diplomacy to save them. Lance basks in the limelight of the stage.

Shiro plots and plans behind their backs and gives Lotor the tools he needs to take over the Empire.

Lotor, Lotor—the clone trusted him, not blindly. That trust was hardwired, a coding that made the clone what it was. The clone was right and wrong all at once for it. Lotor wasn’t the threat the Paladins thought he was but he wasn’t the person the clone saw either. The colony—those memories are jumbled and difficult to parse. Feelings come with them. Triumph and pride. They don’t belong to the clone; no other memories have feelings attached to them. The feelings belong to a parasite, a creature using the clone as a host.

When they find the Altean in the robeast Shiro feels sick. The discovery kicks off a flurry of activity at the Garrison and the busyness Shiro fakes to avoid Keith becomes real. They’re preparing for a deep space mission and Shiro is at the center of it with Atlas.

Before long, their last day on Earth arrives.

“Be with the ones you love.” Keith looks at him. Shiro looks back without seeing.

Shiro spends the day alone, not hiding but not accessible either. Keith sends him a message. Shiro turns off his communicator.

_They saw that you were broken, worthless, I should have seen it too._

The memory cuts through him like a laser severing flash. The sharp cruelty of the clone’s taunting is meant to disarm. He’s trying to kill Keith. Not one punch is pulled. Every slash of his arm is meant to land. But Keith—Keith is foolish. He holds back until Shiro forces his hand. He moves faster, stronger, and wilder. His teeth turn sharp and his eyes turn yellow and violet.

Shiro did this to him. Destroyed his humanity.

_Shiro, please. You’re my brother._

The clone ignores Keith’s pleas. Shiro wobbles as he stands up in alcove he’s sequestered himself into. He feels dizzy and sick to his stomach. There’s an evil thing lurking inside of his body. No—this body  _is_  that evil thing. This is the body that tried to kill Keith. This is the body that pried open Keith’s chest to find the perfect words to hurt him.

Brother—Shiro isn’t Keith’s brother. A brother wouldn’t hurt him, wouldn’t try to kill him. A brother’s love is unconditional and unwavering and Shiro didn’t give him that.

The memories slow down after that. Less of them are new. Instead, the memories he recovered gain more detail, making them almost feel like they belong to him. Good and bad memories.

The distance, once crossable, is a chasm even Keith can’t leap over. Shiro doesn’t have to try avoiding him anymore; Keith does it for him.  _Good._  He’s learned that this thing Shiro is, isn’t worth his time.

The rejection still stings even though Shiro wanted it. The drifting still hurts, even though Shiro caused it.

The war ends, Allura dies, Daibazaal and Altea are resurrected. The Paladins go their separate ways. Keith was always too big for Earth. Shiro knew it from the moment they met. He’s not surprised when Keith starts spending more time rebuilding Daibazaal than he does rebuilding Earth.

The loneliness puts holes in Shiro’s heart. He grabs onto the first person willing to fill them.

The wedding feels as unreal as sifting through the clone’s memories. It’s him but not him saying his vows, him but not him putting on a ring. His husband’s affections are a patch job, the scraps of his love not quite blending in on the rough surface of Shiro’s heart. But the patches are doing their job and Shiro doesn’t feel like he’s bleeding out anymore.

“Dance with me?” The bright eyes that ask make Shiro wish for things he shouldn’t.

“Of course,” Shiro says, and takes Keith’s hand.

The wedding guests are rowdy, drunk from more than just the alcohol. Shiro’s wedding is  _important_. People need something to celebrate after all they’ve been through. Who is Shiro to deny them the chance to see a neat, happy ending?

“I’ve missed you,” Shiro admits as Keith’s arms find a home around his neck. Too many drinks make Shiro reckless. The patches aren’t strong enough.

“I’m leaving,” Keith says.

They stop dancing.

_Why?_  Shiro wants to ask. “When?” he asks instead.

“After this song.” A hand finds its way to Shiro’s waist.

The song is one Shiro picked. He wanted to dance to it with his husband. He never will. This is better.

Shiro isn’t sure which one of them is leading. They dance like they fight, their bodies in tune with each other. Shiro wants to feel this way all the time.

The song ends. Keith leaves.

 

The clone’s memories make their way into his dreams but in the waking world, they’re few and far between. He must remember almost everything now. Months pass before a new detail is added.

Keith trembles as he holds Shiro, but the hug is no less stronger for it. Keith was looking for him, and he was there, watching him and unable to reach him. But this Shiro did.

Shiro is so angry when they drive Keith away but the clone offers what reassurances he can. Reassurances Adam never gave him.

Shiro watches helplessly as the thing wearing his faces attacks Keith. He wants to scream. He does. Keith is going to die and he did it; this is his fault.

_I love you._

Shiro drops the knife he’s using. It falls to the kitchen floor, along with the cutting board he knocks over as he grabs at the counter to steady himself.

_As many times as it takes._  Shiro wants to be worthy of that declaration.

Anger and frustration have been harder to control since he returned to Voltron. He feels like a teenager again. His nerves are shot to hell. Pounding headaches plague him.

He yells and feels ashamed, but it’s a cycle he can’t stop.

Keith leaves and he feels miserable about it, but a part of him feels accomplished at having the Black Lion back in his grasp. The realization makes him disgusted with himself and that’s another headache splitting through his skull.

There are moments when he doesn’t feel in control of his body but when he tries to feel the edge of it, it slips through his fingers. He’s scared but when he tries ferry out help his years putting up a front backfire. Lance doesn’t see his fear. The only person that might see beyond the surface is Keith and Keith is gone.

And then he’s not.

Shiro’s heart stutters, his mouth pounds. Keith is older and wilder and Shiro missed him with every particle of his body and it’s both of them feeling that way. The Shiro that struggles to form a coherent sentence in the face of his friend turned beautiful—more beautiful, and strong; muscles jut out where they didn’t before—and the Shiro that watches from the Lion's eyes, proud and wanting, hope blooming in his chest.

“The Red Paladin’s connection to you runs deep. Deeper than the others. He believes there is good left inside you, which leaves him vulnerable to persuasion. You will exploit this weakness.”

She laces her words with poison, infecting his mind.  _Kill him_ , she doesn’t have to say because that’s what she means and he knows it in his programming. Kill Keith.

He tries, his emotions numb. The other him watches and can’t stop it. He tries and tries.

_I love you._

Shiro shatters. The witch’s hold on him is unbreakable but for a moment he’s himself and there are no holes in his heart.

The moment passes and he goes back to fighting, wishing it would end. Wishing Keith would kill him and win.

Keith does win. But he doesn’t kill him.

He cuts off his arm and with it goes the witch’s power.

“Keith,” he tries to say, but with the witch’s powers snuffed out his strength is fading too. After all, he’s a creation of the witch, not the real Shiro.

_It’s not fair._

At least he got to live at all, however briefly. He wonders if the real Shiro knows how lucky he is. He hopes he’s still alive.

Shiro watches as their bodies fall from the platform. They’re going to die. Shiro doesn’t care if the clone makes it, but Keith—it’s not fair. Keith can’t die.  _He can’t._

The Black Lion is unmoving.

_Move! We have to save him! We have to save him!_

_I love him._

The Black Lions roars.

The stew Shiro is attempting to cook burns. Keith will make fun of him for ruining a dish he shouldn’t be able to be ruin.

No— _not_  Keith. Not Keith, not Keith, not Keith. The person he’s making dinner for is someone else.

Fuck.

His memories swirl together, complete and devastating. He forgot so much. How? How could he forget his feelings for Keith? Were they locked away by some last vestige of Honerva’s meddling? Or was the truth of it too much—did he turn away of his own volition? It doesn’t matter now, because they’re back and they’re his—all of them.

Shiro’s house feels claustrophobic. His life is small.

The patches on his heart disintegrate into nothing but he doesn’t bleed out. The holes in his heart were never there. He loves Keith and Keith loves him.

Maybe. Shiro is certain of his feelings but Keith’s are unknown. He used to love Shiro. Maybe he hates him now. Maybe he never wants to hear from Shiro again.

Shiro digs up his communicator from the trenches of his dresser. He expects it to be dusty but of course it isn’t; it was protected between Shiro’s things. The photograph he stole is underneath it. Shiro pockets it.

Keith doesn’t respond right away. The signal could be trying to reach anywhere. Across the universe, across the freeway. Shiro doesn’t know where Keith is. He hasn’t for a long time.

The communicator beeps with an incoming call. The front door clicks open and he hears the telltale signs that his husband is taking off his coat and shoes.

Shiro picks up the communicator. “Keith, are you there?” 

“Shiro?” The voice on the other end of the line makes Shiro’s heart race.

“I love you, Keith.”

“I—what are you doing, Shiro? You can’t just—”

“I love you. You’re it for me, Keith.” He’s not speaking softly. He knows his voice is carrying. He doesn’t care. “You’re my everything.”

“Shiro, please don’t—don’t say that to me, okay? I don’t know what’s going on, but please just don’t. Don’t make this harder for me than it already is.”

“I remember, Keith. I remember. The clone’s memories, my memories—they were all jumbled up in my head but they’re not anymore. I love you, Keith. I’ll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me.”

“Shiro—” he breaks off and Shiro thinks he might be crying. Maybe they’re both crying because Shiro’s face is wet and Keith’s tears can’t teleport, probably.

“Where are you?” Shiro asks.

“Some backwater moon near Vega,” Keith says, sniffling.

“So, close then,” Shiro says, and Keith makes a sound that isn’t quite a laugh, but it’s getting there.

“Depends on your definition of close.”

“I’ll meet you there. Stay put.” Behind him, his husband drops something. Or maybe that’s his husband, sinking to the ground.

“Okay.”

“I love you,” Shiro says again.

Keith takes a breath, and Shiro closes his eyes and wishes he was with there with him.

“Come find me,” Keith challenges.

“I will,” Shiro promises.

The line goes dead.

The house is dark. He didn’t notice the sun go down as he spoke to Keith. Curtis didn’t turn them on either.

Shiro doesn’t have much he wants to bring with him. He doesn’t need most of it. They’re all just _things_. A pillow he bought because it was on sale, a chair he ordered that turned into a magnet for dirty clothes, a shelf full of books he’s never read. He has no attachment to them. Not like the photo in his jacket. Not like the communicator in his hand. The bag he packs is smaller than what Keith and Krolia saved from the Castleship. Shiro built what he thought was a home here, but his roots didn’t take. His home is a person, and that person is in the stars.

He isn’t a fool to think Keith has been waiting for him, unchanged and unharmed. Keith has a life of his own. Shiro broke his heart. Shiro can’t undo that. But he can start to make it right. It’s going to hurt another person, but it’s a hurt that’s been happening since the moment Shiro married him.

_I love you._

You saved me.

I’ll find you.

 

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> the same man who wrote TBP wrote that finale... really makes you think. don’t sell out kids.
> 
> okay but really sheith still means so much to me. that finale will never not hurt me but they’re more than that to me. a year later and i’m still moved to tears thinking of season six.


End file.
